I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say