Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
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Seductively sings in Klingon.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile