I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
so, is there a mister shapen head
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.