My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
You Might Also Like
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch