I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
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Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Is this you?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My first child will be named New Folder.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”