of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet