No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.