When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
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[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute