I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
That’s what I call a flat tire
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler