i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Bro what is this
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
*puts cutlery down*
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch