Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket