Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
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Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
What the hell happened here.
*sewing*
A thread
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
as is their right
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*