Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
You Might Also Like
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me irl
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.