A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
the #horror is real!
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.