“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”