You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
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me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?