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Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I only treason on days ending in y
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here