If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
#Caturday
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.