My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
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some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Always…
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
i will not be silenced