shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.