Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
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My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’m being attacked 😭
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom