“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?