Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
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I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.