“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
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Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Seems a bit forward
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
a fate I wish upon no one
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.