“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
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wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.