My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
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[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.