When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
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“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses