In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
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dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…