In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Des Moines Police having a normal one
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.