[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
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“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!