Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
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same vibe as tangled headphones
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
#parenting
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I hate my earbuds.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?