I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.