When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
A leaf blower, but for people.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.