[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
You Might Also Like
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
me and my fake scenarios
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking