He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry