“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
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Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.