Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm