Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
You Might Also Like
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I am also baked goods
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
lol
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.