stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
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Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
concern
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!