Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
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Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”