damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
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i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My boss called in sick of me
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.