N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
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If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
😂💯
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about