I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
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Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
how long have you had this for?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.