Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
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Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Bike is short for Bichael.