making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
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first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide