first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
good work, detective
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.