While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
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Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.