[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
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I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
never deleting this app.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
This will never not be funny 😭
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…