Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
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Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
A dad and his duck
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.