People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
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when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry