Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
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Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.