I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
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Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
dam girl
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5